Sunday, September 27, 2009

I'm going to change  things up tonight. I don't have anything getting on my nerves or anything to complain about believe it or not, lol. In this past year I have gone through so much. I have left my husband, filed for divorce, {thought} I had a really good girlfriend, and didn't, had to work a really crappy job...I am so blessed. I really am. Sometimes I forget all of this too. The Lord has really blessed me! My husband and I have gotten back into church and gotten back together, I've somehow gotten an awesome job making really good money. I have a wonderful home and don't have to live my life struggling from week to week anymore. I'm able to go to college for a second time and I just don't have anything to complain about today. I am so guilty of complaining about so much crap in my life, it is just wrong. I need to take the time and be thankful for what I do have and the great people in my life now. Sometimes I really lose sight of the really important things in my life and tend to need a reality check. Sometimes I forget about what is really important and  worry about insignificant bothers.
My husband and I have recently gotten back into church again and our relationship is soooooo much better than it has ever been. I'm not saying all of our problems have dissappeared, not by a chance. I'm just saying, it has gotten so much better. The only problem is that I'm Pentacostal and he is Baptist. Therefore, we do go to different churches, although, I truly believe it's saved our marriage. The Lord works in mysterious ways....even when you think he's not working in your life at all.!!
I've lost so much in my life due to my naevity and just plain stupidity. A lot of times I wish that I could just go back to being 13. Be honest now, who hasnt't???
If I went back to 13 though, that would erase everything I love in my life..would I really want to give that up? It would erase all my "highshcool sweethearts" and last but not children. I had my first when I was 17. I smile when I even think about her & my other children.
I'm not saying my soul purpose on earth was to bear children, but WOW, it was a blessing!!!
I miss the 3am feedings and 5am playtime.
I had children at 17, 18, 20 & 21.
My husband and I have tried for over a year and have not been able to conceive. It is soo depressing. When I was 21 I lost my 4th baby @ aprox 5 months. I never dealt with it until this year. It was hard. I had to LEARN to submit my problems to the Lord and quit trying to deal with them on my own, Trust me it doesn't work. The ONLY way to truly be delivered from your problems is to give them to  GOD.
I've taken the long way around this too. I've always thought of myself as strong and independent. It's hard to humble yourself before anyone, reguardles of who or when or how.
I'm still saddened of the loss of my child. I don't know if that will ever change. I do know that my baby is in a better place than I am now. He's with the Lord. That's a great thing. Somehow, deep inside that makes me happy. I know that in time that Jesus will make this all right and that everything is and will be ok.
That's what I tell myself every day. I believe the Lord and I truly believe that everything in the end will all work itself out. I'm going to have faith, even in times when most's faith would be shaky. I can't explain the "good luck" that I've had......but I have my personal thoughts, and that's for sure.

1 comment:

  1. I definitely agree with almost everything you said, esp. this one:

    "The Lord works in mysterious ways....even when you think he's not working in your life at all.!!"

    Keep up the Faith!